nyc two

i've just returned from four days in manhattan, during one of the largest snowstorms in quite a long time i'm told.  it was magical- unlike any other time i've visited- for the city that never sleeps, it was weirdly quiet.  i'm guessing no one was really sleeping but staying inside, away from the weather so it seemed like the city was maybe, napping- resting for the day after the storm.  it was a good thing because the morning following the blizzard, brought beautiful sunshine- central park was a snowy wonderland, full of sledders, cross country skiers, walkers, runners, skaters and even snowboarders. we walked and walked, people watched and stood staring at breathtaking art at the MoMA, looked in store windows, marveled at the giant tree, ate dinner in the east village- truly the list goes on. oh big apple- my love for you grows and grows.  being one with you makes me know that i am a city girl through and through.

snow

it's a beautiful white day here in the city. quiet. after a long and chilly walk with the big dog, my thoughts wander to the small town where i was when it snowed last time.  it feels the same somehow- surprising. cozy here. cozy there. people out. people in. although it occurs to me that i can walk around but won't run into as many familiar faces but i think the more i go out, the more i'm likely to just that. but for now, coffee, music, more snowflakes for the windows and perhaps another walk later- who knows who i might see?  the city life and me- we're becoming friends slowly. but surely.

list

pink night sky
cars rushing past
yet to bloom winter buds
lights on houses
bike riders
rainy cobblestones
voices on the sidewalk
branches in the wind
illuminated dome
clean alleyway
familiar storekeeper
umbrella in stairway
going to sleep now-
in the city.

me

it's been four months- two of which were so busy with moving and unpacking that they seem more like a blur than a reality and two that have brought such a mix of emotions. and I'm realizing that it's me. all of it. my emotions, my apartment, my kitchen renovation, my world and there's only me to take care of it. it's exciting and challenging to say the least. i often go out onto my little balcony and watch people go by- those that walk alone- do they feel they same? do they think 'i have me' at the end of the day? i recently saw two quotes from Maya Angelou that I had to write on sticky notes so i can read them often-
'if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, change your attitude.'
'grab the world by the lapels. life's a bitch. you've got to go out and kick ass.'
somehow i know exactly what she means. here in the city, i am a city girl- me- and i need to grab the world by the lapels.

a city girl

i'm thinking that i should change the name of this blog to 'a city girl'- so much has happened since my last post in may- and it may take a while to write about it all but i suppose one can just start or it will never be finished.  is it true that the more you think about something, the more likely it is to come true? perhaps- as now, i am officially a city girl. after months of musing and looking and decision making, i have a place of my own here in the city. i bought a little apartment with a balcony and a beautiful view, cleaned out the old and packed up the new and am living. trying to sort out my feelings, struggling with my new found independence and taking each day and night as they come to me- some busy and exciting, some a bit lonely and foreign but really, i feel like i've come home. that's good and with time i know it will feel even more so. wrap your arms around me city life. i've been waiting so long.

house

Well,
here I am, in my house, in my small town and it's late and I'm moving things around for someone, who is coming  to visit it in a few days.  For the next while, there will lots of someone-s, who will walk around and try to imagine what their life would be, here, in this house.  I've realized that while I've been envisioning my life in the city, someone was, perhaps, envisioning their life in this small town. It's surprising how weird that feels, that someone else will live here. I'm trying to ignore the sadness that's beginning to come but somehow, it's more difficult than I thought.  It's such a mix of emotions really- sad, sentimental, worried, afraid, excited, curious. Mind boggling.  Large to small.  Dependent to independent, town to city.

change

I'm sitting here in this big house in this small town with chilly toes, still dressed from work today despite this late hour.  I should have gone to bed a long time ago- my daughter, unable to sleep earlier but finally dozing now, is curled up in my warm bed. Even though I want to crawl in beside her because she is the one constant in my life, I remain awake, change weighing heavily on my mind.  It's one thing to dream of a place, a lifestyle, for a time wondering when and if it might happen. And another all together when, just like that, things begin to happen and one realizes that thoughts in dreams really can come, quickly, when least expected. Change is there, ready and waiting. Change from small town to big city.  Change from big house to small villa.  Change to one day soon a city girl.

fan girl

Dear little villa,
I have been dreaming of you for some time now.  Lately, things have changed and the reality of you and me together is more possible than ever.  I can't get you off my mind.  I have been to the city to see you three times over the last few weeks and with each visit, I fall more in love with you.  Our thoughts are the same I know- you are longing for someone to cherish you and handle you with care and I am ready to give myself to you- devote my time and energy to make us feel like one.  Will you wait for me?  I will be there as soon as I can and we can start a new life together.  It will be wonderful.  We'll have parties, play good music and relax in the quiet times- we'll make lots of memories that will last a lifetime.
Love, fan girl.

home

I've returned home from four days in New York City and realized that I had missed her terribly.  There really isn't anywhere else on earth that even comes close to the feelings that she stirs in me- possibility, adventure, exploration.  I'll admit that I'm still learning my way around, still figuring how/when/where the subways travel, where the boroughs are in relation to one another and with each trip, I learn more and observe more and become a little less tourist and a little more visitor.  I loved watching the musicians, children, wanderers, and wide-eyed newcomers make their own experience.  I certainly do make mine but I have to wonder this time, if I have returned home or did I just leave it?

new york city

Tomorrow I travel to New York City.  I'm craving her energy, her spirit, her sights and sounds.  I can hardly wait to walk her sidewalks, ride her subways, sit in her grass.  I'll go to Harlem and the East Village for certain and then-anywhere else that sparks my desire.  I'll walk for blocks and blocks, looking up at the massive buildings and all around me, so many people with so many stories.  I'll drink coffee in Bryant Park and imagine what it must have been like during fashion week-the hustle and bustle, the glamour, the rush of it all.  I'll sit outside, on the steps of the library and wait for the bus to arrive, stealing glimpses of shoes and wondering for as long as I like, why? Why the city? Perhaps I don't really need an answer at all...

rain

Exactly why different kinds of weather bring certain kinds of emotions, I'll never know though I find myself thinking about it often, especially when it rains.  It's funny how rain sometimes carries melancholy with its breezes and smell.  Not always though-sometimes it's laughter that comes, especially when the flowers are blooming and you know that at that moment, they are the happiest living things-nourished.  I'd love to feel that from the rain, no matter if I'm inside, watching it through my windows or feeling it on my skin outside, running from place to place.  Is the rain the same everywhere for everyone? People who live in the country? People who live in the city?

chemistry

chemistry
noun
2.  the emotional or psychological interaction between two people, esp. when experienced as a powerful mutual attraction

As I'm typing the definition to this word I can't seem to get off my mind lately, I'm wondering why the interaction has to be solely between two people? How about a place and a person or a person and a place?  It seems possible to me - the emotional and psychological interaction I feel with the city life.  We share a powerful mutual attraction. I feel it - so perhaps I should suggest an addendum to the definition?  I can prove it.  I think that magical chemistry shows on my face every time I'm there.  Perhaps we both become brighter by each other's presence.

choices

Life, like a city, is such an unpredictable and weird place, beautiful, complicated, confusing, busy.  Choices can be described in the same way I suppose-sometimes you make them and sometimes others make them and somehow they affect you just the same-they almost become your choices too.  Maybe it's just like apartment hunting in a strange city that feels familiar in some ways but not in others- you look around, at a neighborhood, an apartment and while you're thinking about it, trying to make some choices, someone comes right in, makes their choice much faster and so their choice becomes yours but just the opposite of your original choice and so the apartment is no longer yours. Well, it makes sense in this foggy head of mine and if you believe that our lives have a path that they're supposed to take, then the choices aren't really ours at all-are they?

space

This morning, I was reading through the articles on the New York Times on-line homepage, as I do several times a day it seems and came across a story about a man who lives in the city-Brooklyn to be exact. His studio apartment is exactly 178 square feet-that's right, 178 square feet and, I love it! Everything in its place, arranged perfectly and it works.  While I'd have to downsize considerably, especially my closet (quite a ridiculous passion for clothes, shoes and purses), I'm sure I could make it work.  No more space for gathering too many things to make the space seem like mine.  This house I live in now-far too big, far too many things, far too much to clean-far too much.  A little square studio, all 178 feet of it, in the city could be just perfect.

drive

The weather has been quite snowy lately-well, very snowy and windy and icy and cold.  I've been spending lots of time inside, in the house with a few walks around but not many chances to get out, get away-and not really 'get away' but 'go to'-yes, that's right.  So, a couple of nights ago, I decided to go for a drive into the city to look around, have some coffee and well, see the sights and maybe a few apartments, houses and neighborhoods.  The drive down was lovely and luckily the coffee shop wasn't too crowded - there was a spot to sit, people watch and play around on my Mac for a while.  Quite different from the few days I spent at the same shop this summer, during the day with people coming in and out frequently. Most kept to themselves or chatted quietly with a friend.  After finishing my coffee, I drove around, getting a feel for certain streets and weird, foreign thoughts came-Where would I park if I lived there?  Who would my neighbors be? Would I walk to do laundry? Could I live in a large building or a house? Ride my bike? I haven't thought things like that in so long-city things I suppose.

parties

We throw a big party every year around this time.  Several years ago, when we bought this very large house, it seemed the perfect place to have a big gathering- a time to let go and eat, drink, dance, talk, meet, laugh-the regular party things.  Not wanting to leave anyone out, we usually invite about two hundred people and most years, about one hundred fifty come, wandering and in and out throughout the night. Some come at seven and stay until three and others, anytime in between. We have neighbors, friends, co-workers, family and sometimes, friends of friends that we've never met.  This year, I started to think about how the party would change if I moved, into an apartment in the city.  I often think that this house is too big although we seem to use all of it and especially during the party.  I imagine myself in a large apartment but not one big enough to hold as many people as this house certainly. So, how would that change things? It seems to strange to think about no winter party (really?) if I lived in the city...

bones

Is there really such a thing as 'feeling it in your bones'? really. Is it the feeling you get when you love something so much that it's undeniable-but what if that changes?  Is it still in your bones?  Can it be there sometimes and not others?  I am wondering if my love/attachment/obsession/wonder is deep within me-if I would give up everything to change this life, this small town life. What about that feeling that washes over me when I see the city skyline, the endless possibilities-yes, I believe it's in my bones.  I feel no connection to anywhere else, no real sense of belonging even though I've called this place my home for fifteen years. Wow-that's the first time I've written that and it seems like forever. Yes, I want to go to the city. It's in my bones.

finally

Wow, it's been far too long since I've been able to sit down and write- as I check the date since my last post. Things have been entirely too busy, out of sorts, surreal for the last several months.  It seems like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all happened in one day and then, well, I'll just say (in the interest of keeping things as private as I can on a public blog-weird) that the month of January flew by too and here it is, almost February.  Things may be changing in my life soon. This blog, one day a city girl, may well be coming true. Even weirder. I may just leave this small town and venture down to the city.  I've been looking around, trying to decide if my dreams really came true, would they still be as appealing?  Still, just driving into the city makes my belly flip, just a little...