unexpected

i've been housesitting for a friend here in the small town where i lived before moving to the city.  i've been here for almost a week and the feelings that have surfaced are unexpected. very unexpected. i agreed to stay to take care of the house as well as two dogs, thinking that i would spend mostly nights, returning to the city during the day. i haven't. however today, i wanted to drive in to check on my little city place and pick up a few things.  i really wasn't thinking much, enjoying the company of the friend who came along for the drive, when we arrived out front in my usual parking spot. as i looked around, it felt strange, as though i had been gone for quite some time. i thought i would feel happy to be back but i felt differently. i sat in the car for a few minutes and tried to recognize those feelings. unexpected. hmmm, i'm still musing on those feelings, now several hours later. unexpected feelings for this city girl.

beginning

i'm not exactly sure why i'm calling this post beginning- maybe i'm just exceptionally tired, maybe a new beginning is how i should feel about things at the moment. it seems that my head is so jumbly. full. confused. happy and grateful. curious  i am horrible with patience. and lately, i've been wanting to figure out why things are the way they are and there just doesn't seem to be an answer.  i know sometimes it takes a while to figure out but i need to know. i'm hoping for reasons.  maybe everything doesn't have a reason or maybe it takes a long time because it's supposed to.  i find myself typing randomly to keep from getting to the point. which. is.
i'm leaving the city. leaving the balcony. leaving the sidewalks.  leaving the top of the science museum at night. leaving the beauty of the city. hopefully this beginning is only temporary.

swimming

my head is swimming with thoughts- some floating and others barely above water- some are caught in a whirlpool of sorts- some are seeming trapped,  like in a pond without movement.  late nights in the city can be quiet sometimes and it seems those nights come when i really wish they were just a little more noisy, distracting, inviting.  but tonight is one of those nights without noise. only a few cars pass by every so often and i find myself alone with my big dog wondering about this city life. changes are coming. i better teach these quiet night city thoughts to swim so that i can clear my swimming city head and find out just a little more about my city girl self.

list two

blooming flowers.        
spring air.
crowded avenue.          
starry sky.
strange feelings.            
clean apartment.                  
crisp sheets.
tired eyes.
warm balcony.
racing mind.
many thoughts.
washed face.
city sounds.
dreaming soon.
i hope.

windows

one of my favorite times of the year is right now- spring.  everything is waking from a long winter sleep. you know the smell of things, don't you? i long for the day that i can open my windows and smell spring.  at first, it's just for a few hours because the rain may come and then it's for half the day because it's a little too chilly first thing in the morning and then, yes- the temperature is so perfect that the windows can stay open all night. and it's that perfect temperature when you're under the covers and the windows are open with a just-barely-chilly breeze coming in and you can can listen to the birds and smell spring. that was this morning. spring. right here in my little place. right in the middle of the city.

transportation

it's sunday and i'm on the balcony, looking over at my car. while i love her intensely, she's not working at the moment even though she just came out of the shop on friday. cars. love them. hate them. even though i am now a city girl, i still work far away and must have a car to drive every day. which makes me think of the amazing beauty of amsterdam- my favorite city on the planet (well, i haven't been to them all but at least it's my favorite for now)- everyone rides bikes and barely drives. isn't that what city life is about? i walk or ride my bike (old blue- vintage, squeaky, perfect) frequently when the weather is warm and i don't have to leave the city- i wonder what it would be like without a car? the only way to do that is to find a job here in the city- or move to amsterdam- right? perhaps that's the next city that will wait for me-

people

i find myself musing about people this morning as i sit on my balcony in the chilly morning air drinking warm coffee- i watch them from here and listen to little bits of conversation, pass them on the sidewalk walking my dog, see them driving cars to places i don't know about- strangers. city strangers.  it was different when i was in my small town before moving to the city. most of the people that i saw day to day were familiar- friends or friends of friends or the local grocery store owner or postman or plumber.  but here in the city, rarely a familiar face. occasionally i see the girl from the small town starbucks or the man that helped jump start my car a few months ago.  why does it feel so different living around strangers rather than when i visit a city like new york and am surrounded by them constantly? it's been seven months in the city and i've met a few new faces. all of those, i like very much. but yet there are so many i haven't met. people.  we all have our own paths, our own destinations but why do some cross and others don't? does that change from place to place, from small town to city? are we more likely to cross paths with people when there are fewer of them or maybe we're supposed to meet certain people no matter where we live, even in the city.

change

well, i should be in my little kitchen sanding, continuing the renovation, the change to this part of my world but i find myself continuing to procrastinate.  i often wonder why- i want to make this place my own, my oasis, my shelter and maybe most importantly, a reflection of me. but i suppose, in writing this that maybe i'm afraid of that a little. changing this apartment to reveal myself- interesting.  and perhaps the perfectionist in me is worried that it won't be that- perfect. but does it have to be? and knowing myself the way i do, this tiny part of my world will always be changing, like me and like the city itself. so, back to the kitchen i go, changing it, loving it, imagining what it will be like when it's complete. all these things, in both worlds, ever changing- maybe that's why we're a good match- the city and me.