writing

I've been wondering lately about these writings and how I haven't really shared them with anyone-so they're sort of secret-not so secret since they are published here but secret because no one I know knows they're here. If someone does, I've not been told. So, they remain private and secret to me. I wonder too, if others happen to stumble upon them, will they know the author? Do these writings make it clear or could I be anyone writing for fun? Sometimes, I think about posting the address somewhere or sharing it with people I know but then I wonder if these writings would stay the same; if I knew someone I know was reading them, would I still write the same way? Would an audience make a difference? I'd like some to know my thoughts, gain a better understanding of me but perhaps this doesn't reveal much. I have yet to get truly personal-fear? maybe, although I find myself not fearful of too much these days and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Would I be more apt to post this publicly if I lived in the city?

morning

Morning. Hmmm. I sit, bleary eyed from staying up too late last night but not wanting to go to bed earlier but I'm not sure why. I'd like to be a morning girl, up with the sunrise, bustling about, preparing for the day. But, the mornings come slowly, unless of course, I wake up too late, touching the snooze too many times, feeling the warmth of the covers and the softness of the pillows. This morning, I'm on the porch listening to the birds as I write, coffee warm and feeling the coolness of the air around me. I've never been too much of a morning lover-not sure why-most often, the days prove to bring thoughts and experiences unexpected so one would think that would bring an excitement of what's to come-right? I'm wondering if I would be different if I lived in the city? Would the noise of the city beckon and encourage me to join it? Would I become the morning girl?

lemonade

It's a beautiful day today-about 75 degrees or so, blue sky, white billowy clouds, occasional breeze- and I'm sitting here on my front porch and today, I'm thinking that this small town life isn't so bad. For now. Not that I think it's so bad on other days, in fact, I never think of it as bad but perhaps just not for me. Later. But for now, it's good. I watch my daughter as she sits behind her Lemonade Stand table, humming, inventing stories about acorns she discovers on the sidewalk, shouting "Lemonade for Sale!" as people pass and I'm thinking that this is a good life for her. and Buddy, my large lab who watches her to make sure that she is safe-he eats sticks and chases squirrels and lazes in the sun. If we lived in the city, I wonder how today might have been different? Well, today is a nice one, for this self-described city girl...

nightlife

Last night, I went to the city, downtown, 20 minutes south of the small town where I live. Driving closer to the city, I could feel myself getting excited about the change of pace, the sights, the adventure to come. At last, the lights seemed to welcome me and the vibration of the nightlife pulled me in to its arms. There. It's me there. Familiar.

The night was good with live music in a beautiful venue and people about. The evening air was cool with the feeling of fall. Sounds were everywhere-talking, laughing, joking, bass, guitar, mandolin, banjo, footsteps, car horns, cars, buses, dogs. The people were diverse-young, old, hippie, conservative, liberal, parent, grandparent, employed, unemployed, tidy, sweaty, tall, short. Later in the evening it was time to journey home. The streets were quieter then and the downtown was settling in for the morning hours. There is a peaceful time there and I'm sure even more as the night grows deeper. I suppose I could write for hours describing the night in the city...

trees

To know that I love the city so much and all of the energy, life and constant movement it brings, I am sometimes surprised, really surprised about the beauty of nature and that every now and then, I find myself in a place wondering how I could possibly love the city at all.

Today, I spent a beautiful afternoon with some friends at their bonsai nursery, in the middle of the country, far from the noise of the city, the hardness of the sidewalks and the endless streams of people. It was lovely. No shoes, the most amazing bonsai trees you could imagine, some as old at 300 years and quiet. I bet if I had listened closely, some of those trees would have been whispering to me, asking me why I think about the city life so much-what could it have to offer? I suppose though, that while I love to visit there, I just might get restless if I stayed for too long-thank goodness I can go whenever they'll have me and hopefully can, even if I live in the city one day...

decisions

As we grow older, it seems that more decisions come our way-so much thinking to do. Our heads are already full of day to day thoughts, plans for the future, visions of what we think and hope life might be like down the road. What I know is, there is a lot of life left and decisions to consider but where do we find the answers? In our head? In our heart? From talks with friends? Is there really truth to following your own path? What about others that might be affected by our decisions? Sometimes, it's as easy as making a list-writing down things you like about a decision and things you don't like so much. In matters of the heart though-big, deep emotional questions that make your chin shake when you try to talk about them-what to do? Challenges are present everyday I suppose and certainly we get through them-perhaps the decisions that we're forced to make are not really decisions at all...maybe our journey has already been chosen, for us, by us, in another lifetime. Perhaps, that lifetime was in the city...

people watching

My last day in the city for a while although I'm tempted to take a day in a month or two, no work, just to do this-watch people in the city.

*Young couple- late 20's maybe. Him- jeans, blue t-shirt, thin, sun glasses, quiet. Her- louder, thinner, jeans, flip flops, pony tail. Chatting quickly, both on i-phones, comparing them.

*Man- plaid shirt, shorts, brown sandals, reading the paper, conservative haircut, frowning.

*Man- brown shoes, jeans, black computer bag, laptop, focused.

*Man to my left- homeless? two bags, blue pants and shirt, drinking water (at least 3 by now), reading magazines and smelling the perfume samples, smelly, smiled at me when he came in.

*Couple-30's? Her- bra straps showing on sides from tank top, dyed hair, bad haircut. Him- crossed legs, short haircut, talker.

*Two women- one louder with very loud laugh, reading paper and talking at the same time.

*Man- just entered looking hurried, frat boy.

*Woman- white tank top, bra showing, clunky tennis shoes, not aware of fashion, just looked at me while typing about her, smiled.

I wonder how I might describe me if I saw me come in the door of a city coffee shop....

time

This week has been nice so far and one I look forward to each summer. My girl enjoys an art class in the city for a week and so I am given three hours each morning to do as I please, no rules, no obligations, no boundaries. I have found myself in a coffee shop this morning, watching people come in and out, listening to small bits of conversation, thinking about time and wondering why it often feels uneven. Uneven in the sense of long days when younger and shorter days when older-it sounds so cliche' I know but as the time passes, I find it to be more true than I could have imagined. I have so much more to do-slow down I say, take it easy, give me longer days. Shouldn't the days pass quickly when one is small and unknowing and slow down later when one is filled with so many ideas and thoughts? Perhaps, later, time will slow again and the days will seem lazy and relaxed but then again, will I really like that? Be careful, I'm thinking... the city life or what I think it is, may not be exactly what I wish for...

the city

So, I'm here in this small town, lovely by all accounts but I often find myself dreaming of the city life-a small, modern apartment, no car to worry about, walks to the market, dinners with friends, browsing around museums, shopping at little quirky boutiques...

Would it be the same as I imagine? Would I miss the life that I know here, in this place? Would I miss driving my car with the windows open and the music playing? Would I miss drives to work in the country, with cows and combines and fields of vegetables?

I wonder if the day will come when I will sell it all and give the rest away and just go-go to a city to adopt the urban lifestyle. I had it once, in my twenties but life was different then, without a career, a daughter, a significant other and responsibilities that come with this life.

Would it be the life I dream of? Am I feeling as though I want to leave this or adventure to that? It's difficult to tell but perhaps these writings about the city and other thoughts will begin to help me sort through it all...